The Weight



“The “primary consciousness,” the basic mind which knows reality rather than ideas about it, does not know the future. It lives completely in the present, and perceives nothing more than what is at this moment. The ingenious brain, however, looks at that part of present experience called memory, and by studying it is able to make predictions. These predictions are, relatively, so accurate and reliable (e.g., “everyone will die”) that the future assumes a high degree of reality — so high that the present loses its value.”  Alan Watts


I am (finally)ready to share what the first 100 days did for me. It has taken 100 more to process everything. Even now, I am discovering new things. Even so, one single aspect of the process had the greatest effect on me. Letting go.

The parlance , “Not giving a fuck,” has gained popularity. . Letting go is similar.

Years ago, someone told me that I was very good at letting go. I can’t remember what had occurred  that made them say that, but as I grew, that ability diminished. Why?  I was afraid. These were my pillows, my excuses, my crutches. If something went wrong I could hold them, like spiny, prickly, teddy bears, as the reason for everything.

Over the summer some friends and I wrote, on chinese paper lanterns, all the things we have held onto. We wrote the things we couldn’t control, people we have lost, the worries we carried, the people who have hurt us, and those we have hurt. It was an emotional but uplifting night.  Writing shit on a paper lantern doesn’t just make things go away. It was symbolic, but the moment is there now, a tangible memory of what I carried, being sent up into the air  and burned away. It was a fitting way to celebrate what I worked so hard on. That memory is always there as a reminder that I have moved on from so much that weighed me down.

Today, I am less afraid of the future and live more in the present…the now. My mind is quieter. My body is healthier. I am okay with my life.  Holding each day as a gift, as if it could be the last, has put a huge spin on what I allow into my life as well. There is some “not giving a fuck” involved, sure.  The distinction is that I haven’t forgotten or stopped caring. The  traumatic moments, the losses,  and  painful experiences, will forever live in me.  The difference is, I don’t feed or lean on them as I had before.

Things are noticeably easier. Life is better.

I want even more life.

Part 2, the real part 2 begins soon.





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